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| Photo: Mario Testino |
I haven't had my period since February and I'm definitely not pregnant. What do you say about that, HOUSE? Kidding. I realize that House is a fictionalized character on a television show. But seriously, what is wrong with me? No one is sure. Though I did appreciate the early theory that it was because I was too skinny, which lasted only until I was actually weighed. I've been tested for anemia, thyroid conditions, early menopause and of course, pregnancy. I even had a pelvic exam because I wanted to be sure there wasn't some cantaloupe-sized tumor assailing my lady bits (as I said, I watch a lot of House). Yet as it seems, I'm in perfect health. I took myself to McDonald's to celebrate. Then I started having acupuncture and wondering what my life would be like if it turned out that I could never have children.
Despite an aversion to needles, I've found acupuncture oddly relaxing. I always leave my sessions feeling more centered and slightly energized. Maybe it's the lying-in-a-dark-room-in-the-middle-of-the-day or a placebo effect, but sometimes that can be as good as the real thing. Nonetheless, I'm still as dot-free as a ballerina. Part of me is kind of enjoying being let off the hook from one of the less enchanting womanly burdens. The other is silently panicking that something is really wrong.
I don't have an overwhelming desire to reproduce any time soon, but I wonder how I would feel if it were suddenly off the table. Would I be heartbroken? Would I want to adopt? I honestly don't know. I've always assumed babies were in my future. Not a Duggar family number of them or anything, but at least one or two chubby bunnies to cuddle and adore until they hit adolescence and despise me. If that never happened for me, would I always feel like I was missing something?
At 28, I think I could accept it. But what about at 30? Or 35? I've read about women who have struggled with infertility experiencing an almost physical ache at the sight of other pregnant women. I can't imagine that would ever be me, but maybe part of it is because I assume this will sort itself out. Most things do, right? I guess i'm holding out hope that this is just a temporary hormonal hiccup and I'll never have to answer those questions.
Encouraging words welcome.
I don't have an overwhelming desire to reproduce any time soon, but I wonder how I would feel if it were suddenly off the table. Would I be heartbroken? Would I want to adopt? I honestly don't know. I've always assumed babies were in my future. Not a Duggar family number of them or anything, but at least one or two chubby bunnies to cuddle and adore until they hit adolescence and despise me. If that never happened for me, would I always feel like I was missing something?
At 28, I think I could accept it. But what about at 30? Or 35? I've read about women who have struggled with infertility experiencing an almost physical ache at the sight of other pregnant women. I can't imagine that would ever be me, but maybe part of it is because I assume this will sort itself out. Most things do, right? I guess i'm holding out hope that this is just a temporary hormonal hiccup and I'll never have to answer those questions.
Encouraging words welcome.
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