vulnerability is scary

Illustration by Lim Heng Swee

M often travels for work. Usually just for a week or two. It's not my favorite thing, but we manage. So when an opportunity arose for him to work on a project in London for two months, I was less than ecstatic. That's putting it lightly. My initial response was selfish. (Oh, don't pretend like yours aren't sometimes, too.) I mean, how could he want to leave ME for two months? Never mind that it was to go back to his favorite city, work on a potentially cool project and the whole thing might be really great for his career.

He said he wouldn't go if I wasn't cool with it. I called his bluff and said, "Fine, I'm not cool with it." To which he responded in a small voice, "But i think it would be really good if I went." I wish I could say I immediately realized I'd only been thinking of myself and it was all cartoon hearts and birds chirping as I helped him pack his bag. What I did instead is stomp upstairs. And to think he'd want a break from this. Shocking, I know.

Eventually I came around. Our vacation to the UK had been canceled when we got stuck in New York during Hurricane Irene. I knew how much he'd been looking forward to going home and seeing his parents. This was another chance for him to go. What kind of monster would stand in the way of that? Don't answer that. The important thing is that I got to the other side. 

I even helped him pack. 

Then i spent two months (okay, minus the ten days i spent visiting him) living alone in complete and utter delight. I didn't see that coming. But I should have. If I couldn't spend two months without my manfriend, what kind of independent lady was I? Not a very good one. So I got on with my life. I did all the stuff M and I do together, but alone or with other people. I also did more of the stuff that only I like to do. Like eat boxes and boxes of macaroni + cheese and have friends sleep on an air mattress at the foot of my bed. 

After being with someone for years, they sort of feel like an extension of yourself. Not necessarily in the "you complete me" way (gag), but in a way that makes you feel like living is a little bit brighter when they're around. That's how i feel about M. I think what i feared is that I need him. I didn't want him to leave and reveal that I was no longer fine on my own. It's easy to say you'd never lose yourself in a relationship, but can you ever be objective enough to be certain it hasn't already happened? I'm not sure. I'm just relieved that it turned out not to be the case.