In high school, I fantasized about having a murder mystery wedding in a castle with Weezer as the cover band. I'm not kidding. Weezer was in their heyday back then. I figured they'd be just washed up enough to be ready to accept wedding gigs by the time I was getting married. Blasphemy, I know. Anyway, I've moved past that. Now I'd like Chromeo to DJ our wedding and I don't want it to resemble the game Clue.
If M had his druthers, we'd go to City Hall next week and make it official without any fanfare at all. I'm not far behind him, but I think we would regret it if we didn't celebrate with our nearest and dearest. In other words, our moms would be sad. So we're having a party. What kind of party, you ask? Well I'm not sure, but I've thought about it enough to come to terms with the fact that Chromeo will probably not be there. That's fine. I've been waiting my whole life to make the ultimate wedding playlist.
In order for us all to maintain realistic expectations, here are a few other things that our wedding will probably not feature:
a big white dress
As a good friend put it, I'm "more 'suck my wang' than Vera Wang." It's true. If this is going to be my sartorial apex, I want to wear Tom Ford. Or Jason Wu. Or Chloe. As a regular human being, you don't have a lot of opportunities to buy the designer dress of your dreams. This is my moment. I'm not squandering it on a something I can never wear again.
"here comes the bride"
The
thought of walking down an aisle while everyone looks at me is
nauseating. And since it's MY BIG DAY, I can have whatever I want. That's how this works, isn't it? That's what I thought. Well, we'd like to keep the ceremony portion of the evening to an absolute minimum. No wedding march. No bouquet that someone else will need to hold while we exchange our vows. No la-di-da. And I don't need to be "given away," thankyouverymuch.
bridesmaids
Bridesmaids, the movie, was hysterical. But it had a $32 million budget, Kristen Wiig and projectile vomiting. We can't top that. And as mentioned, this thing's going to be short and sweet. We'd rather our friends just come and dance their asses off, wearing whatever they like.
cocktail hour followed by dinner
We want everyone drinking from beginning to end. There will be no time for sitting down and making awkward conversation with whomever we've chosen to seat you next to. We promise to have food, but it will be bite-sized and passed around by disarmingly attractive people. Or midgets. We haven't decided yet.
cake
WTF! No cake?! Then you're not coming? Good. Because we're trying to keep it under 75 people. Actually, there might be cake, but it won't be white or tiered or iced in fondant. In fact, it might be pie. We'll let you know on the invitations so you can decide whether or not to attend.
Listen, I know I sound like the wedding grinch. It's just that, well, we're paying for this ourselves and all we want is to celebrate with our friends and family in a way that feels meaningful to us without dissolving our savings. The fact that it won't involve a bridal party or a white dress or many of the traditional trappings isn't a dig to everyone who has had those things. They're just not us. We hope you'll still come and celebrate us becoming a little family. Did I mention the open bar?
Posts
