i am the wedding grinch

He's perfect. I don't deserve him.

We have dipped our toes into wedding planning. And then we sat down on the edge of the pool and gazed at each other for awhile. We got engaged three months ago. You'd think we'd be further along than having a shared Google doc entitled "wedding." 

I keep telling myself things like, "Everyone moves at their own pace!," "What's the rush?!," "We want something unconventional anyway!," but inertia is a dangerous thing. Have you seen The Four-Year Engagement? In spite of its adorable San Francisco finale, I don't want that to be to us. 

Yet, I feel like I'm supposed to take the reins because I'm the lady. Ladies are supposed to be mega into this shit. The 40 billion dollars that the wedding industry rakes in every year suggests that at least one party is pretty jazzed about centerpieces. Why isn't it me? 

My fear is that my inability to muster enthusiasm for wedding planning means something. That it represents some kind of feminine failure. Worse, that it means I won't be a good wife. If i can't even make a guest list, how are we going to file joint taxes? That doesn't even make sense.  

I think my problem is this: society still stuffs down our throats the notion that a woman has three major life moments - her engagement, her wedding, the birth of her babies. I might have just made those up. My point is, these are built up to be the greatest days of our lives, but what if you're sort of "meh" about that list? That's how I feel. I don't want to be told when I'm supposed to be peaking. I also don't want to ruin all the days up to THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE preparing for it. And what if it turns out not to be the greatest day of your life? Well, I guess you might as well just kill yourself. 

I don't need that kind of pressure. I need a stiff drink.