things i have lied about

To say that I never lie would be, well, a lie. I just save them for special occasions. Not because I'm especially virtuous, but because I always assume I'll be caught. It's probably because from as early as I can remember, whenever I told a lie, my mom knew instantly.

One thing you should know about my mom: the woman makes Sherlock look like he runs a detective agency for babies. I'm not sure if she actually has super powers or she secretly works for the FBI, but it's scary what she can unearth with barely a squinted-eye glance in your direction. Maybe it's a mom thing. 

When I started 4th grade, I decided I was ready to shave my legs. She disagreed. I understand now why she said no (because what kind of demonic Lolita needs to shave her legs at nine?!), but at the time I thought she was being completely unreasonable. So I did what any clever child of divorce would do. I shaved my legs at my dad's house and wore pants at my mom's. Boom. Flawless plan. 

She sniffed me out in less than a week. 

I guess the fact that I'd stopped bugging the shit out of her with gym class sob stories and coupons for Nair set off her Spidey sense, because she got me one Sunday night when my dad dropped me off. She didn't even wait for him to leave. She just casually brushed her hand against my leg as he put me down from a hug. 

"Did you shave your legs?," she asked

"What?! No!"

"Then what happened to your leg hair?"

"You know, that is a good question."

"Don't you dare lie to me."

"I'm not!"

My dad was not at all prepared for this. I still let him pick me up for hugs, for god's sake. That I'd wanted to shave my legs was shocking news to him. And now I was a liar. It took them approximately 30 seconds to agree on my punishment. I would have no friends or phone for a week and I'd write them each a letter of apology on why it was wrong to lie. I found out it had to be a two unique letters when I tried to get my dad to drive me to the library so I could photocopy the first one. They ran a tight ship. 

However, I might note that I did get to keep shaving my legs. They said it was because, "We weren't punishing you for shaving your legs. It was that you lied about it." That lesson has stuck with me ever since. Okay, not ever since. It took awhile to sink in, but as I grew up, I got it. The lie magnifies the crime. Even now that I live 3000 miles away, I think of those letters I had to write when I'm tempted to bend the truth a little.

Of course, I still sometimes make up unnecessarily elaborate excuses for why I'm unavailable because it hurts people's feelings to say you'd rather read than hang out with them. Though I think this gets into some sticky white lie territory. Or maybe I'm acting out.